So, I have mentioned things briefly before about delusions, paranoia and other forms of psychosis, but I wanted to share a little more specifics today. I am feeling good, so all of the following things make as little sense to me as they probably do to you. But in the moment, while I am experiencing these symptoms, they seem 100% real to me.
So what exactly is psychosis, what does "psychotic" mean? Basically, psychosis is a "break from reality" that causes changes in behavior, mood and personality. Let's go over a few specific types of psychosis.
The most common type of psychosis is delusions. Delusions are ideas and beliefs that I hold despite other's objections or proof that I am wrong. Delusions may include an inflated unrealistic self-esteem, they may carry religious themes, themes of persecution, among others. My delusions often have religious, superstitious and animistic themes. I may belief that I can communicate with nature, that I can feel grass growing, understand the songs of the birds. I may believe that I hold special powers of perception. I often begin to believe that I need to perform certain rituals or carry certain things with me to bring me luck and ensure that nothing bad happens. If I don't do these things, and something bad DOES happen, I blame myself. For example, I believed that a flat tire was my fault because I wasn't carrying my "good luck" cards. Those good luck cards are a pile of tarot cards, each folded in half. At the time, I believed that if I shuffled them every fifteen minutes, nothing bad would happen to us. I was late with a shuffle, and blamed myself for a flat tire.
Another form of psychosis is hallucinations. I have never had severe hallucinations. I have had a few minor ones though. Sometimes I see what I call "electric rain". It looks like droplets of light and electricity falling to the Earth around me. I also sometimes hear voices. They have always been whispering, unintelligible voices, hiding in the shadows or around the corners. Sometimes, I become convinced that they are real, and start talking about the "shadow men".
Next, there is paranoia and pronia. Paranoia is believing that someone is trying to harm you, whether a specific person, the whole world, or god himself. Pronia is the flip side of that. Pronia is believing that the world and god and everyone is helping you, that they are making good things happen. In paranoid moments, I am being followed, people are talking about me. In moments of pronia, an open parking spot near the entrance is obviously reserved for me by the very hand of God.
There is also a type of psychosis referred to broadly as "thought disorders". This is any problem with communication and thinking. For example, I may go off on a tangent that seems completely unrelated to the current topic. I may stop speaking mid-sentence and have no idea what I was talking about. I may seem to confuse word meanings. For example, the following train of thought is one I often use as an example. I was talking about my "racing thoughts", and went on a tangent about car accidents, and then started talking about racism and bigotry. In just a few sentences, I became confused with what type of "race" we were talking about.
The last form of psychosis I sometimes experience is changes in "social cognition". Social cognition refers to my ability to respond to social cues, to interact with others in meaningful and appropriate ways. It can lead to behavior that could he interpreted as rude, inconsiderate, distant, or "cold" and insensitive. I may interrupt others and act as if I don't care about their opinions. I may say things that seem like I don't care about anyone, and that all others are somehow inferior to me (especially in moments of delusion).
Sometimes, these symptoms and episodes overlap. I may have more than one form of psychosis simultaneously. Sometimes, I am aware enough to somewhat hide my symptoms, but they can be quite persistent and at times they become more apparent.
These symptoms, obviously, can cause changes in my behavior and my ability to function normally. A couple weeks ago, trying to keep them under control was causing me massive panic attacks. Sometimes I get worried about these symptoms, because they may make me irritable, irrational or even aggressive. I may lash out in anger, and be hostile and rude, even yelling, at my friends and family. Other times, I can be detached and apathetic. Things that normally interest me, that I enjoy, even things I am usually passionate about - I may be completely uninterested and unable to enjoy them.
My symptoms have been much less severe over the past couple weeks, but things can still get weird sometimes. I am hoping that with a little more adjustments in treatment and some more coping strategies provided by a therapist, that I will be feeling even better.
If you see me acting strangely, please bear with me for right now. I am trying, really trying, to approach something closer to normal.
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