Hangover

So today was the day. I took my last dose of my stimulant yesterday, as my doctor wanted me to try the new med in combination, and the new med on its own to see how I react. It feels pretty terrible.

Most of the meds I take have a side effect of drowsiness or lethargy. The stimulant cut through that drowsiness and sedation. I didn't realize until now how much. I feel exhausted and hungover.

I take a fairly large doses of antipsychotic meds at night, and they knock me out. Usually, in the morning, I still feel a little lethargic, but then when the stimulant kicks in, it goes away. It's still here, and its nearly time for dinner.

I had mentioned how effective the combination of the stimulant and the non-stimulant had been. I am now entirely convinced that I need to advocate for that as a permanent treatment.

I am afraid that this sedation will send me into a depressive state. That can definitely happen.

That is the thing about Bipolar Disorder. A lot of the mood changes have no cause. But sometimes something does trigger an episode.

For example, a lack of sleep, instead of making me tired, may make me alert and trigger a manic episode to some degree. Something bad happening can trigger either mania or depression. Low activity and apathy can trigger depression.

I try to monitor my behavior, because it can cause an endless cycle of cycling through moods, thoughts and behaviors that worsen my symptoms. This exhaustion, lethargy and apathy may trigger depression.

I see my doctor next week. Because I'm going back to therapy, I temporarily have to see a different doctor, but I have seen her before and she is a familiar face. I will have to hold out until then, as long as it doesn't get worse.

It's a good thing, honestly, that I am not working this week. I don't feel like I could do it. I have no motivation. No energy. No drive. Absolutely none. I just want to lay down.

My first appointment with my therapist, who I have also seen before, is on Friday. I am looking forward to that appointment. It will help me to cope better with my struggles and concerns.

I might not be as active as I usually am over the next week or so. Please bear with me. I have told my wife to drag me around and make me so the things I have planned, because staying at home and doing nothing would only increase the likelihood of this triggering an episode of depression. If I look like a mopey zoo lion, I'm sorry.

I really don't know what is worse, borderline mania, or borderline depression. They can both be nightmares. As long as it stays borderline, though, I can manage.