Me, myself and I

Today someone commented to me that I hadn't been "acting like myself" lately. It made me pause and think. What is "myself"?

I have been struggling with mood disturbances, personality changes and abnormal behavior since I was in junior high school. At this point, I'm not even sure what normal behavior looks or feels like. I just don't know.

It bothers me. Is the calmer, mellower version the "real me"? Or am I the energetic, hyper, manic one?

Am I somewhere in between, or just nowhere in particular.

It created a sort of crisis in my mind.

Sometimes over-thinking things does that. Thinking too much about something that seems trivial can send me down a rabbit hole - a slow descent into a strange madness.

I snapped out of the strange thoughts, the de-realization and separation from reality. I focused. I think I am okay right now.

That brings me to the other thing I realized today. I sometimes have a hard time admitting that I am struggling. I thought of this because I was thinking about the way I felt before I got my meds worked out again, and the fact that I was going to work when I probably should have been staying home.

I realize now how stupid that is. Going to work when I am not well is a terrible idea. There are limits to what I can do sometimes. I need to recognize my limitations and stay safe and let myself take a break if I really need it. Honestly, a couple days off at the beginning of my issues may have been better for me than trying to work while it was going on, and then ending up in a real crisis.

So, I need to take breaks and accept my limitations.

Finally, the last thing I have learned over the past few days is how important routine is to managing my symptoms. If my expectations for the day veer off and take an unexpected turn, it throws me off and can leave me feeling restless, agitated and frustrated.  I experienced this a couple times this week.

Something as simple as a change of plans can cause me to have mild symptoms. It's frustrating. I find myself going back to the negative thinking. "What an idiot I am. How weak. Such a tiny thing can upset me  that much? How pathetic!" I am fighting against this pattern of thinking. It's going to take a lot of work to break that habit.

So, anyways. Sorry I haven't written in a couple days. I've just been in a funk because of the changes in my routine and the unexpected crap I've been dealing with. I'm getting back on track, and feeling better tonight. I'll keep everyone posted over the next couple weeks, and I'll be going back to regular posts now. Peace and love to you all.