My Question

I have to be honest. For the past several hours, I have had a nagging, persistent fear in the back of my mind. I have felt REALLY good the past few days. Better then I have felt in a while. But.....

I have felt like this - this hope, this optimism - I have felt like this on more than one occasion in the past month or so. I have raved about how great I feel, about my struggle coming to an end. I have waxed poetic about the cessation of my symptoms. And then comes the downward spiral.

I am concerned. Will this end the same way? Is this just a brief respite? I am worried. Have I been overly optimistic?

I still feel good. I still feel calm. But for how long?

How long will this last? How long will I feel well? A few more days? A week? A month? I have no idea.

I was fairly stable for six years. SIX YEARS!!! And then it was over. I spiraled out of control. I haven't seemed to regain my footing for more than a few days since then.

I worry quietly, trying to keep these thoughts suppressed. I can't completely get over them, though. I can't shut them out completely. I mean, yeah, worrying isn't going to do anything productive, but aren't my concerns valid? Aren't my fears legitimate? Don't I have good reasons to worry?

I am trying to remain hopeful. I am struggling to stay optimistic. I am fighting against my fear and worry.

It's difficult, though. How do you get over your fears when what you fear is YOUR OWN MIND?

Again, this is just me being honest. I am trying to level with everyone.

I just want this to stop. I keep fighting, and struggling, and trying to regain control. But I am terrified that I will come to the end of my rope, and just let my symptoms consume me, like I did before the meds. Let my illness run rampant through my life. I don't want that. But I worry. What if I get exhausted, and just give up?

The madness is kept at bay right now, and my worries aren't causing me to feel panicked. But is this the meds? Or is it just the ebb and flow of my symptoms? The natural waxing and waning of my disease?

I am afraid. Afraid of my own mind. It sounds almost silly to say it aloud. "I'm afraid of myself, and my own mind." It just sounds crazy, ridiculous. But it is my greatest fear.

I wish that the "power of positive thinking" bullshit worked. I wish that I could just think myself well. I wish there were a cure for my diseased mind.

I wish I knew, right now, the answer to my question. "How long will I feel well?"