90%

I have no motivation lately. My energy has been sapped. I'm not sure if this is because I am off of the one med or if this is a symptom. I just have no desire to remain active. No inner drive. I don't want to do anything.

This is potentially a real problem. One of the most basic coping skills I use is staying busy, engaging in some kind of activity, no matter how simple. Being idle only makes things worse most of the time.

I have been trying to force myself to do things, even if I don't feel like it. I have to stay in control, and this is one way I can stay in control.

In times like this, I miss the energy and focus and drive associated with a manic episode. As long as I don't experience severe symptoms, I'm okay with mild mania. The world is more fun, I am driven and engaged, life is fantastic. I wish for that right now.

The problem is, that mild mania can lead to more serious symptoms. I may become hedonistic and selfish. I may suffer a psychotic break. I may become delusional or paranoid. That, I definitely don't miss.

I have, however, been having fewer and fewer symptoms, and am feeling pretty stable. I see my doctor tomorrow, and am going to ask to return to work. The new med has been mostly good for me. It just saps my energy. I will also be asking about returning to a combination of meds, as I had experienced fewer symptoms, but with energy and motivation.

I also have been missing what I call my "attaboy". You know that part of your brain that makes you feel rewarded and happy when you do a good job? Like a pat on the back? Like someone saying "attaboy!". That's missing. I feel dulled, numbed.

I am hoping that my doctor and I can figure out the right mix of meds for me tomorrow. Treatment with meds is kind of a trial and error thing. What works for me, may not work for someone else. So they try different things and different combinations, using what has worked for similar symptoms in other people, adjusting as needed. It can be frustrating.

At this point, I know we are close to the right mix. This is nearly normal. This is functioning at 90%. Some days, it's closer to 95%. A few weeks ago, I would have said I was functioning at less than 50% normal.

It has been over a week since I had a major breakdown, or a major episode. Psychosis has been occurring less and less. I had a momentary lapse this morning, but it lasted maybe 5 or 10 minutes at most. I was briefly convinced that there were people outside, talking about me, and that no one else could hear them because they wanted everyone to think that I was crazy. I realized that I WAS crazy and moved on after a few minutes.

I have learned to "snap out of it" fairly quickly. I hope to make it even easier and faster in the next few weeks, with help from my therapist. I am feeling a little bit better every day. More able to function. More normal. I am getting there. I am winning.