Seasonal

My moods have always cycled with the seasons. In the heat of the summer, I tend to have more manic and hypomanic episodes, and in the late fall and early winter I experience more depression and the symptoms that come with it. This year, it is the same.

I feel listless. I have no energy. I feel apathetic. Muted. Dulled. Flat.

I know this will pass, and my moods will continue to cycle throughout the year. And my mood isn't overwhelming me, or crushing me. It just makes me feel dulled. It's fairly manageable and under control.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my symptoms lately. Thinking about where my symptoms end, and where I begin. My symptoms, when my illness is under control, can be subtle at times. Drawing the line between "I'm feeling a little down right now" and "this is a symptom" can be difficult.

The thing I always go to when I am struggling to determine if something is "me" or a symptom, is to ask other people about my feelings. Considering the circumstances, are my feelings "normal" or are they bizarre? Sometimes it is hard for me to tell in the moment. Sometimes I know that they are irrational. Knowing doesn't change anything though, as far as how I feel.

That's the frustration I have about knowing when something is "normal" and when it is a symptom. IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL. Knowing that it isn't rational for me to be depressed and feel sad doesn't change the fact that I feel depressed and sad. And knowing, in those early stages, that it is depression doesn't mean that I can prevent my symptoms from worsening. Knowing only allows the rational part  of my brain to try to fight against it a little bit.

Ugghhh...

Having a mind that is dysfunctional is awful. Not knowing whether or not you can trust your thoughts and feelings. Never being sure if you are experiencing reality, if you are being rational. It leaves me feeling... I want to say "broken", but I'm desperately trying to stop calling myself that. I am "fixable", I may be in need of repair, but I can be fixed. There will always be cracks and imperfections. I am not beyond hope. I am not broken. Right?

I can't wait for the dull, dark days of late fall and early winter to be over. Once the days are sunny and the snow is white, I feel some relief. But these cloudy, dark, cold, miserable days with less day and more night....

Right now the clouds are dark and gray - nearly black - and they look heavy and low. I feel the same way. But I ask myself - is this normal? Do other people - normal people - feel the same way this time of year? Is this normal? Or is this a symptom? I'm not sure.

I tend to think that my mood this time of year is a mix of normal and symptom. I don't think most people are bright and cheerful on days like these. But I don't think it is normal to feel this low, either. I think it is not completely normal, but not purely symptom either.

I'm trying to stay positive. I try to act perky. I'm pretty sure I'm failing miserably most of the time. But it makes me feel a little lighter when I act like I'm more upbeat than I actually feel.

I can't wait for the bright sunny days of winter. The snow sparkling and glistening as it reflects and refracts the sun's rays. I know they will make me feel better. They always do.

Out of focus

Frustrated right now. My schizoaffective symptoms are well managed, after a few minor adjustments to how and when I take my meds. I feel stable, I feel good, I feel normal. I am functioning at 99% as far as those symptoms go.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same thing about my ADHD symptoms.

We recently tried adjusting the dosage of the stimulant I use, because I was experiencing a "crash" when it abruptly stopped working in the late afternoon. The lower dose makes the crash more tolerable, but does almost nothing for my focus and attention.

I have been doing a lot of reading and chatting in ADHD forums, and I came across a med I want to ask my doctor about at my next appointment. It lasts longer, it tapers off instead of the abrupt stop of my current med, and it is supposed to also improve mood and boost motivation. So the lingering depression I am experiencing could also be affected.

This lack of focus and the lingering depression, combined with the lessened motivation, means I am getting a lot less done. My blog entries are sporadic, my energy and motivation at home and at work are diminished, and I just feel less productive in general.

My other symptoms though are much improved. Last week I was still having some issues, almost always in the afternoon. We changed one of my meds a tiny bit. I take the same dose, but instead of taking it all at once, I take half in the morning and half at night. It seems to be keeping me more stable all day long.

I was taking the entire dose at night before, because when I took the whole dose in the morning, it left me feeling exhausted. Taking it at night though, had me feeling it fade the next afternoon. Taking it twice a day leveled me out, it seems.

There is also an extended release form of this med that is an option if this doesn't work as well as we hope, on the off chance that this lessening of symptoms is temporary.

I have been taking a very proactive approach the past few weeks when it comes to my medications and my treatment. I have decided that I want to be able to explain what I don't like about treatment and offer alternatives. I want to be educated about the options out there.

I'm feeling good. I wish I had more focus, but other than that, I feel really good. I'm optimistic that this will last a while. I have accepted that this probably won't be permanent, that the future may bring more adjustments, more changes. But I'm okay with that. I'm feeling good.

Pills

Uggghhh. I hate meds sometimes. They work, and I know that when I am unmedicated I am unable to function. But it gets so frustrating.

I am trying to decide right now how to tell what is a symptom and what is a side effect. I have felt flat and numbed for the past few weeks. Is it that I am depressed? Or is it that my meds are doing this to me? I'm not sure. The same goes for some of the anxiety and agitation I sometimes experience. It's frustrating.

I also have been looking for something to add to or replace my antipsychotic. It knocks me out, so I can only take it at night. But I can feel its effects fading and waning throughout the day, and feel less in control by the evening. Adding a small booster in the afternoon helps, but now I am taking naps all the time and feel tired all evening. I found an extended release medication that isn't supposed to have as much of a sedative effect, and is almost the same drug. I will be asking about it at my next appointment.

Then there's the dry mouth. Oh God. I can't take it sometimes. Drinking water doesn't really help. It makes it better for a couple minutes, maybe. I spend all day filling my bladder to try to relieve some of the dryness, so then the bathroom becomes a revolving door.

I am still having some mild symptoms, and am currently debating whether or not to ask my doctor to up any meds, because I already worry about their side effects.

Is the goal of this to END my symptoms, or just to make them tolerable? Right now, I'm at the point where they are tolerable 95% of the time, and I'm feeling stable. But do I ask for enough to make the symptoms of away for right now? And, if I do, how long will they be gone?

Meds are a pain in the ass. It feels like I take mountains of meds every day, but things still aren't perfect. Should they be? Am I expecting too much? Am I expecting to little?

I feel flat and numb right now. I'm hoping this passes. I'm hoping that this isn't my new normal. I'm hoping this a symptom, not a side effect.