My symptoms are bleeding through a little. Just a little. And one of the symptoms is new to me. Fantastic. I experienced it a few times so far today, and I was able to "snap out of it" after a few minutes each time it happened. I think part of the reason I am not stopping it sooner is that it is so new to me. Once I become aware of it, and fight it, it goes away. I will try to explain.
You know how, in television shows and movies, sometimes they will pan back to show the whole scene? It feels like that happens. I feel like everything zooms away from me, and suddenly it feels like everything around me is on TV, and is not reality. "This is all just actors, on sets, playing characters. This isn't real." That is what it feels like.
It freaks me out. Thankfully, I am not having severe panic or anxiety attacks when I realize what is happening to me. That was what was happening last week. Whenever I realized I was experiencing something that wasn't real or true, something in me panicked. My heart raced, my chest tightened, my entire body started to tremor. That was awful. This week, my symptoms have been causing me much less anxiety.
I made a decision. My doctor was weaning me off of the one med and onto another, and I am just about done with the old med. Initially, I felt good enough on the combo that I was going to ask to continue on the combo. Now, I am not so sure.
The med that he is taking me off of is a stimulant used to treat ADHD. The reason he wanted to take me off it is that, sometimes, stimulants make psychotic episodes worse, in both frequency and severity. He hoped that switching to a non-stimulant would help. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop, because the med had really helped me focus and concentrate. After these recent symptoms, I am not so sure. If the week I take only the new med goes well, maybe I won't ask my doctor to consider my taking both meds.
Thankfully, I still have enough control over my symptoms that I can return to reality quickly when these symptoms occur. I am still doing much better than I was.
The feeling that my friends and family aren't real, and are just actors on a stage - it freaks me out. Everything around me feels alien and unreal. In the moment, it feels true. But when I realize what is happening, and snap out of it, it feels terrible. I feel a sense of guilt. The people I love and care about, they suddenly were, in a sense, forgotten. It's almost like I feel as if I didn't know them personally, I knew the characters they portray on TV.
This is new to me. The worry that I will lose control, that my illness will tighten its grip on me, has returned a little. The fear that I will spiral out of control, that I will lose touch with reality and not find my way back, is a real fear again. Not a panicked, overwhelming fear, but a sense of dread in the back of my mind.
I know that the end is in sight. I am nearing the finish line. My symptoms are lessening. I am feeling more in control. I just don't want to stumble. I don't want to fall. I don't want to slide back into that panicked, paranoid, delusional state I was in.
I remain mostly optimistic. I am still able to easily fight off my symptoms when they occur.
But I can feel the mania, the madness. It is just below the surface, fighting to get through. My monsters aren't under the bed, they are inside of me. I can sense the symptoms, boiling and burping and bubbling inside me, trying to gain control, trying to reach the surface and break through. But I am holding them off. I am fighting. And so far, I am winning.
It comes and goes, ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. The symptoms grow stronger, then weaken. They flare, and then fade. And I am fighting. I am a warrior. And I will win. I will hold out until the end.
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