First session

So yesterday afternoon, I went back to my therapist after spending five years stable and with no regular therapy sessions. I had a one-hour appointment, and I poured my heart out to her. I talked about every symptom, every thought, every mood that I have experienced in the past couple months. I went over everything I had done to manage them, everything I had attempted to calm myself, to keep myself from spiraling out of control.

It felt good to have an hour where someone was just listening, affirming, and guiding me. She let me know that many of the tools that she would normally teach someone in my shoes, I already possessed to some degree. She made me feel like I was doing better than I thought.

I have had moments of frustration and hopelessness in this fight. I have had days where I feel defeated and helpless. But I always get back up. I have given my family and my friends tools to help me, and insights on my symptoms. I have told my wife that it is never a good idea to let me languish at home, and cancel my obligations. I have allowed her to push me, assisting me in staying active when I feel like I am falling apart and unwanted.

As I went over everything, it registered how many tools I actually already have. I hadn't really processed that until yesterday. I hadn't realized how many weapons I bring to the fight against the madness.

I left feeling hopeful. Feeling lifted up. I am not the sobbing, pathetic mess, crouched in the corner - a victim to my disease - that I imagine myself to be sometimes. I am a fighter. It felt good knowing that many people would have already given up. I am strong. I continue to struggle, instead of falling into a downward spiral of madness and disease.

I feel like I have a second wind in this fight. Knowing that I have been more successful than expected considering the severity of my symptoms, I feel stronger. Knowing that I have dealt with symptoms in appropriate ways, and already possess many of the necessary tools to continue fighting, I feel empowered. I am a fighter, as I have said before. And I am winning more battles than I thought.

I guess the biggest lesson I learned from my session yesterday is that I am truly blessed. I have friends and family who support me. I have a job where my coworkers and supervisor are understanding. I have many people I can lean on when things get really bad. I am a lucky guy. And I don't give myself enough credit, that's the other big thing I learned. I am handling things well, all things considered. I thought I was failing more than winning, but it seems that is not the case.

I go back for another session next week. After that, it will probably be every two weeks. It feels good knowing that there is someone who will just listen to me rant and give me good advice, while being objective. Yes, I know, she gets paid to do this. But that doesn't really matter. That's the great thing about therapy. This isn't your friend, this isn't your family. That sense of being a burden is gone. This person is paid to listen to your problems and help you solve them and provide you with tools to better handle them. That is your relationship. And it's a very effective way of dealing with some of these symptoms.

I feel better today. Talking through some of my stuff that has been uncomfortable to talk about was therapeutic. Talking to someone who has seen this before, and has helped others through this, felt liberating.

I feel more positive. I feel stronger. I feel more able to continue this fight.