Frustration

Today was my first day back at work. I had signed up to work a double shift today, and didn't back out of it, so I worked a fourteen-hour shift. It was a long day.

I had some frustration today about money, and my finances. Between overspending during manic episodes and actual desperate times dealing with unexpected bills, we have credit card debt. Thanks to the way I drive when I am manic, we have brake issues on the car. Since I was off of work while I adjusted to my new meds, I lost a lot of overtime, and we had been counting on the money from the overtime to start catching up. It got brought up tonight, and I started to get frustrated, and I nearly snapped.

I can feel it just beneath the surface. Depression, and that pathetic pity-party aspect that usually flares up. I guess I have some of that, since I am whining right now. I can feel the self-destructive tendencies, and the hopelessness, bubbling up.

Right now, the meds are holding the symptoms at bay. That is the level I have been functioning at. Feeling the start of the symptoms, but not falling into them.

I am trying to keep steady. To use what has been working to keep me calm and stable. So far, it has been very successful.

I feel good still. This level of frustration would have put me in a dark place just a few weeks ago. I am able to deal with it in a healthy way right now.

This is what I want. To be able to live a normal life, with normal problems and normal issues, and handle things in a normal way. I know that "normal" people have bad days, minor breakdowns and ugly moments. I know that I will have that, too. I just don't want those things to send me spiralling out of control. I don't want to fall victim to the chemicals in my own mind as they go haywire and my brain malfunctions. I want to feel normal. To have normal problems, normal bad days, and deal with them in a normal way.

Today, I was really close. I was really close to slipping and falling. But I kept my footing. I stayed in control. And it felt good.

I think I am finally getting there. I think we have things figured out. I think that this is nearly the end of this particular pause in my life.

I'm frustrated right now. For real, normal reasons. And I feel like I am dealing with it in a normal way. I went for a walk outside, came back in and ate some chocolate, and looked for something to distract me for a little while until I was feeling more rational and reasonable. If that isn't normal, I don't know what is.

Today I was frustrated. And it felt good.