Breakthrough

I feel like I made a breakthrough today. It involved me sobbing in my therapist's office, but it was something I really needed. It was therapeutic and healing.

I went in to my therapist today thinking I knew what the conversation would be. I wanted to talk about what I wanted out of therapy. I had thought about it and assumed that the area I needed to work on was coping with anxiety and frustration. I really thought that was my weak spot. I was wrong.

When I arrived at my appointment I told her what I had been thinking about. She challenged me. Why do I want these coping skills? What do I want out of this? Where do I want to be?

In my responses, I quickly realized that my problem was not what I thought it was. My therapist was the one to initially point it out, but once she did I realized how right she was.

The real problem? How I see myself and my illness.

You have probably seen me refer to Bipolar Disorder as a disease and I have said that you can't CHOOSE to be Bipolar anymore than you can choose to be diabetic, as an example of challenging the stigma around mental illness. Today I had that analogy thrown back at me.

Yes, a diabetic doesn't choose diabetes, and they can't think themselves well. But you know what else? They can't be cured. They will always live with symptoms. And sometimes, even if they are doing a good job of managing their symptoms, they still have bad days, and may have lower or higher blood sugar than expected based on past experience. They have to constantly monitor their symptoms, their illness, their diet.

I have been talking like I will get to 100%. Like I expect myself to be strong enough to overcome this disease. Why? Because, when I experience symptoms, and feel powerless, and have a lack of control... I feel weak. I blame myself for succumbing to my illness, for buying into my delusions, my fears, my bizarre thoughts, ideas and actions. Every misstep, I see as my own failure.

When it was pointed out to me, I started hearing the way I talk about my illness, about myself, and my symptoms and experiences. I expect so much of myself. I aim high, perhaps too high sometimes. I see myself as broken, defective.

This latest destructive pattern of thinking began the other day at the pharmacy. The girl at the counter had my meds ready, and had to reach under the counter for a bigger bag than the standard pharmacy bag. It hit me. All these bottles, all these pills - and still I am not healed. I still struggle. This much help, and I am still "defective". Still "broken". It hit me like a ton of bricks.

My struggles suddenly overwhelmed me, not because they were present, but because I still even had them. How broken am I?

As I talked about this with my therapist, she kept stopping me, and pointing out how much I was judging myself, how much blame I was putting on myself.

She asked again about my coping skills, and the safeguards I had in place for managing my illness. As I talked about them, I realized how many good choices, skills and strategies I already have used to manage and cope.

So what was a looking for? It dawned on me. I want to be symptom free. I want to be in control at all times.

That's when it hit me. I started crying. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Even as I tried to explain that I was realizing how destructive my thought process was, I continued to talk badly about my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I struggled to speak objectively about my own feelings.

I can't seem to think about my symptoms and my illness without passing a judgement on myself. I see my illness as making me weak. I'm not strong enough. There must be a way to be symptom free forever, right? Wrong.

In this blog, I usually talk a good game. But I struggle. I say "this is happening to me, this isn't me, this is my illness". But I don't put that into practice, not really.

Even now, as I describe these feelings and thoughts, I am passing judgement on myself in my mind. How ridiculous. How stupid. Why would I think that this illness is in any way my own fault? Why do I get angry at myself when I am having symptoms, and an no longer in control. What an idiot I am! And the cycle continues.

This is what we will be working on in therapy. This will be our focus. Changing these thought patterns, this unhealthy, destructive view of myself. And talking about how I see my illness, and how I view the fact that I am living with it, and my experiences with it.

Today was the first day that I said all of these feelings aloud, in a single conversation, and actually listened to my own words objectively. It was eye opening, to say the least. It made me cry, and I felt overwhelmed. But it was healing, too. I feel better, and now am catching my own thoughts and habits.

Talking about all the skills I already have made me think that I might do a post just about that in the near future. I wasn't giving myself enough credit when it comes to the strategies and safeguards I already have in place.

I feel exhausted, and drained. But it's a good feeling. It is cathartic.