Paranoid

Today, I have been experiencing brief moments of paranoia and delusions. They have been coming on like a flash, and then disappearing just as rapidly.

Earlier today, we were parked outside a store, and a small, frail looking elderly man, leaning on his cane, walked by the van. I locked the doors, because for a moment, I was worried that he might be a deadly assassin in disguise, hired to hunt me down and destroy me. (Don't worry - he wasn't a deadly assassin!)

This thought, and others like it, seemed real for a moment, and then it was gone. It was over within a minute or so. The panic, the paranoia, the delusion - they rush in, and then rush back out.

I have been handling it fairly well. Especially considering that I just quit smoking and this is only day #2 of no cigarettes. Several times, I have had the persistent thought that I should just give in and have a cigarette. I have successfully fought those urges off each time. I am finding other ways to cope, to keep me distracted and busy.

It is good to see my symptoms retreat like this. Yes, they are present, but they aren't interfering with my daily living. I could tolerate this, quite honestly. Moments of madness, but stable and aware of what is happening as it happens.

I know that, for someone who has never lived with these symptoms, it must sound bizarre to hear someone say that they would be happy with some mild paranoid delusions, and maybe some voices here and there. But honestly, once you have had the terrifying, psychotic, hellish, nightmare moments, your definition of "normal" and "well" shifts.

I see the improvements in my symptoms. I recognize my symptoms for what they are. I know that I am stabilizing, and will achieve some level of normalcy soon, sooner even than I had hoped.

My depression has lessened. My mood improved. I am using positive thinking to keep myself from slipping into a dark state of mind. Just the fact that I feel so in control impresses me. My weakest moments now, are better than my strongest moments of just a few weeks back.

I was re-reading some of the things that I had written over the past couple months, and I could see the slow, steady improvement. Yes, there have been setbacks. Yes, there have been declines between some of the improvements. But the overall trend has been improvement.

I am hopeful.