So, the world is super slow today. Not really, but it seems so to me. Time seems warped, bent. I am set to a different speed than everyone else. The world is out of sync.
Altered perception of time is a feature of Bipolar Disorder. Not everyone experiences it in the exact same way, but from what I have read, it is fairly common.
In episodes of hypomania and mania, everything around me feels like it is moving in slow-motion. It feels like I am in a revved-up racecar, stuck in 5 mph traffic.
"Come on! Move, people! Put the pedal to the metal! I have nowhere in particular to be, but I damn well am going to go 90 mph to get there!"
It is almost painful. It is maddening. Have you ever been in a hurry to leave, and someone is trying to keep you there to tell you an inane story in great detail, as slowly as they can, and you just want to scream "Get to the damn point, already!"? Now imagine that people speaking at a normal pace, briefly saying two sentences to you - imagine THAT was as infuriating as Mr. Never-gets-to-the-point.
That's how I feel right now. It makes focusing on anything very difficult. I feel like everything is much slower than I would like it to be. I feel frustrated and angry that things seem to be taking HOURS, and then I check the clock. Oops, it's been about five minutes.
Depressive episodes are the opposite. When I am depressed, I feel like the world is rushing past me. I am practically standing still. Shuffling along at 5 mph down the freeway, watching the cars pass by me at lightning speed.
"How do people manage? How do people move at that rapid pace?" That is what time feels like in states of depression.
Having an altered state of time in my manic and depressive episodes actually does have a silver lining. It is one of the first symptoms I notice when an episode begins. When I become aware of it, I become aware of other symptoms. It is an early warning sign.
Right now I feel like I am still in control of this. That has pretty much been where I am at this week. Some occasional symptoms, but never so severe that I feel like I am no longer in control of my thoughts and behaviors. It's a positive sign, an improvement. I was feeling powerless and panicked not that long ago.
My thoughts are racing. My mind wants to do five thousand things at the same time.
Part of my own issues with the manic speed and time warp is that I also have ADHD. The inability to focus and stay on task associated with the ADHD only compounds the problem. That "Hey! Look! A squirrel!" aspect that is so often a defining characteristic of ADHD is suddenly overwhelming, because my mind is on maximum overdrive, operating at supersonic speeds.
Right now I have four apps running on my phone, and I keep switching back and forth from one to another. It is keeping my mind at ease.
Days like these are why I am going back to a therapist. I have some coping skills, and they work sometimes. But I could really use some more tools, and the ones I have, well, they could use some strengthening. Reading a guide or self-help pamphlet just isn't cutting it right now. A therapist will be able to help me build these skills, these tools.
I am trying to be still. To force myself to focus and live in the moment. When it becomes more insistent, I do something simple like switch briefly to another task and then return to what I was doing. It has, so far, kept it reined in.
One of the most helpful things I have been doing when nothing else is working is just completely stopping for a moment whatever I am doing, closing my eyes, and taking a few slow and deep breaths. I try to just observe my mind for a moment. Recognize what is happening, knowing that this is happening TO me, it is not FROM me. It has been extremely effective.
I know that this is just a symptom, it will pass. That knowledge comforts me. A few weeks ago, I would have felt completely overwhelmed. I would have lost control, however briefly. My thoughts and behaviors are still mine, just moving faster, at a manic speed. No bizarre thoughts, paranoid delusions, or psychosis. Just me, but in overdrive.
It feels good to be in control.
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