Fixable

I am trying to change the way I think and talk about myself. Through therapy, I am learning to recognize the negative thinking patterns I have. It's tough to change. They are deeply ingrained in me. But I am trying.

One of the biggest things that I am working on in therapy is changing the way I see myself. I see myself as broken. Irreversibly damaged and defective. I see my inability, at times, to fight off symptoms as a sign of my own personal weakness. I have, I am realizing, unrealistic expectations for myself.

Broken. What does that mean? It implies that I am beyond repair. That I am not worth trying to fix. When something is broken, you toss it out. I struggle, I really struggle, to see myself as anything other than defective. My illness makes me feel powerless at times. I feel like I should be stronger, that my symptoms shouldn't impact my behavior. A part of me believes that I should be able to live my life without interruption, and that my inner struggles should never be obvious to others.

How can I expect these things of myself? Of course my illness is going to have an effect on my behavior! Of course my illness is not my fault, and of course succumbing to symptoms does not mean I am pathetic and weak. I am not broken. My therapist challenged me to come up with a different word, a different way of seeing myself.

The word I settled on was "fixable". It implies that something is wrong - there is an imperfection. But it also says that there is hope. Something fixable may never look perfect, it may always have some cracks or marks or visible imperfections. But it can still be useful, it can be repaired.

It's a struggle to change something so ingrained into my thinking patterns.

Another one of the things I am struggling with is how I think others see me, or will see me. I worry that I will be seen as weak by others. Seen as damaged, broken, fragile.

I don't know how others see me, and I can't control it even when I do know. But I will tell you what I don't want. I don't want to be seen as frail and weak. I don't want to be treated with extra care, handled with kid gloves. I am not some kind of cracked glass, ready to break at any moment, unable to handle a single tremor. I struggle enough with how I see myself - I don't want others to see me as more broken than I see myself!

I assume, too often, that if I share details, if I open up, if I am vulnerable - I worry that it will fundamentally change how others see me, and that it will always be in a detrimental way. I am so afraid that I will lose the respect of others, that I hesitate to ever completely open up.

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I had been challenged to reach out to a friend and share things that I didn't usually share. I did that, and it went well. But I did it through text, where I wasn't as open and vulnerable. I worry about appearing weak. Often, when I explain my struggles and battles and pain, if I do it in person, I end up crying and sobbing. I hate feeling that vulnerable, and I assume that others will see me as even weaker because they see me as a blubbering mess, barely able to survive, failing to thrive. I assume they will see me as weak, and the thought of breaking down in front of them terrifies me.

I worry, all the time, that when I share my struggles, when I explainy symptoms in detail - I worry that I am burdening people. I worry that since there is nothing anyone can do to help, my sharing will only add stress to their lives. Nothing useful can come of it. This idea was challenged the other day, and so I shared some things with my wife. She immediately pointed out that I was wrong. There are things she can do. Maybe not right away every time, but she can learn what soothes me, what relieves stress when I am symptomatic. One of the examples she used was that if my paranoia was convincing me that I was being watched, she could get some more of the curtains we have in our bedroom that block outside light when they are closed. If that relieved my stress and anxiety, that is an option.

I never thought about it that way. I never thought that there was anything that anyone could do to help. I felt like it was my struggle, and mine alone. It was out of anyone else's control, so why burden them with the details of my pain and frustration? Why allow them into my madness? I never thought about the fact that there ARE things that can be done to alleviate symptoms, at least some of the time. Plus, knowing what my symptoms are and what they look like allows others to keep me safe and minimize risk. It can be one of the safeguards I have in place.

I am trying, really trying, to change the way I think and behave. It's hard. It's really hard.

My therapist gave me a paper about "automatic negative thoughts" with a list of different types of negative thinking patterns. It was like a checklist of my ways of thinking. It surprised me, honestly. I didn't realize how much of my thinking is negative.

Some of the things on that list;

• "All or nothing thinking" is seeing everyone and everything as black and white, good and bad. Imperfections are failure.
• "Always/never thinking" is seeing a pattern where there isn't one. If I failed today, its because I ALWAYS fail.
• "Guilt through should-statements" is focusing on how things SHOULD be, and seeing myself and others negatively if they fail to meet that standard.

Those are three of the twelve thinking patterns, and I have used at least ten of the twelve.

Here's where the problem turns back on itself. Understanding that I think irrationally, and use negative thoughts patterns, I become frustrated with myself. I then find myself beating myself up for not recognizing this earlier. It's a vicious cycle. Trying to change this way of thinking and finding a new way is difficult. Really difficult.

I am trying to change the way I think and behave. I am trying, really trying. But it's tough.