Regrets

I sometimes think about the "what-ifs" in my life. I ruminate on them. The main thing I wonder about is how my life would be different if I had been diagnosed and treated effectively earlier than I was. There are so many things that I did that destroyed relationships, ruined opportunities in my career and education, and damaged other aspects of my life and of my being.

What if I had been diagnosed before I had the crisis that led to my hospitalization? In the months leading up to that, I damaged my career by being irresponsible and reckless at work. I damaged my marriage and my relationship with my kids with my outrageous and obnoxious, and sometimes even aggressive, behaviors. I ruined my finances by emptying my bank account and then continuing to put it in withdrawal over and over again. I got a ticket for going 75 mph in a 35 mph zone. Then I crashed, and I came so close to suicide. I think about the fact that I nearly did it. I only changed my mind at the very last second. What if I had been diagnosed before any of that happened? How would my life be different?

What about when I went back to school after I got married? It was right after my daughter was born. I went back to school to try to do better, and I didn't. At all. I couldn't focus. I skipped classes. I barely completed my classes, and then dropped out again. I felt like a failure. A failure AGAIN. What if I had been diagnosed before any of that happened? How would my life be different?

What about my chronic job hopping? Changing employers and jobs randomly, being irresponsible, walking off the job on a whim. I damaged my career path many times by demonstrating poor judgment, not getting along with coworkers, coming in late or not at all, not completing my assigned work, rude and obnoxious behavior, and just plain reckless and irresponsible behaviors. Job after job, opportunity after opportunity. What if I had been diagnosed before any of that happened? How would my life be different?

What about all the failed and sabotaged relationships? The damage I inflicted, the hurt and pain. Sometimes it overwhelms me. The friendships I destroyed. The family I inflicted deep and lasting wound on. The people I frightened off with my out of control behavior. What if? Would an earlier diagnosis have changed any of that?

What about high school? All the classes and assignments I barely completed. Homework rarely turned in. The obnoxious and rude way I addressed teachers and authority figures. The friendships I damaged even then. What if I could have prevented that?

When would I have needed a diagnosis to prevent all of these awful things? All this destruction and madness and mayhem - could it have been stopped? How would my life be different if I had been diagnosed and treated in college? In high school? Or even junior high? What opportunities would I have?

I know that these ruminations are probably not the best thing for me to think about, and worrying about them is completely unproductive, but I still wonder. I can't help it.

It frustrates me. Looking back, I can see the destructive effect my mental illness and my ADHD had on my life. I can see the episodes of mania, of depression. I can see the symptoms building in strength, in effect, in intensity. I see it in hindsight. But at those times, in those places, it felt normal for me. I didn't realize what was happening.

I wonder what my life would be like if my illness had been treated and managed before it started wreaking havoc on my life. I wonder sometimes about how different my life would be. I know it's probably not productive, but I can't help but wonder.