Outbursts

I had to remind myself yesterday that it's okay to have symptoms. It's okay to have moments where I struggle. It's okay to cry, to be angry and to feel a surge of energy as the symptoms surface.

Yesterday I had two moments where I struggled a lot.

The first was at the beginning of my day. Suddenly, I felt overwhelmed by sadness. I actually started to cry. Even though I knew, in the back of my mind, that this experience and the things I was thing and feeling were symptoms, I struggled. I struggled to regain and maintain control of my own mind. I struggled with the guilt and frustration that giving into my symptoms creates. I struggled as I tried to remind myself that this episode, this outburst of tears, didn't make me weak.

The second episode began at night. I suddenly became filled with energy, frustration and rage. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to break something. I wanted to see twisted metal and shards of glass. I wanted to smash something. It turned into rage against myself and those around me. My wife bore the brunt of it. I was rude, hostile. I threatened to break things. I tried to convince her to smash the van into the car ahead of us, just so I could see the damage the collision created. I wanted to hit  something, to kick something. The surging energy, and rage, and violence broke through the surface. I struggled. I struggled to regain control. I struggled to calm myself. I struggled to not turn that anger and rage inward, and to not get angry and blame myself.

I often get frustrated with my symptoms when I try to explain them. It feels like I am excusing my behavior by blaming my illness. I worry that others feel like I am saying "Hey, I'm allowed to be an asshole! I have a 'condition' that I can't control! You can't judge me!" Hence the anger turned inward. The feelings of weakness. The blame I put on myself. I feel like I should be more in control of my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Feeling like I am losing control of my own behavior and feeling like my mind isn't mine anymore and feeling like my thoughts are intruders, forcing their way into my life - it is so difficult to explain how that feels. It is difficult to explain how powerless and weak it makes me feel.

It's frustrating, too, to know that without the meds I wouldn't have the awareness and understanding of what is happening when I am struggling. Without meds, I wouldn't struggle. I would just surrender to my symptoms, blissfully unaware of my mania, and completely crushed underneath the depression. I know that going off of my meds would destroy my life. I almost ruined my marriage, my career, and my friendships and relationships with many people. But I understand why people go off their meds. I get it.

Right now I feel good. These moments of madness are infrequent, and usually are triggered by stressors. I am aware of the fact that it is unlikely that I will ever be symptom free. I will struggle on and off for many years to come. I know that. I am just trying to accept it and be okay with it.