Acceptance

Symptoms may include the following:

-Delusions - having false, fixed beliefs
-Hallucinations, such as hearing voices
-Major depressed mood episodes
-Possible periods of manic mood or a sudden increase in energy and behavioral displays that are out of character
-Impaired occupational and social functioning
-Problems with cleanliness and physical appearance
-Paranoid thoughts and ideas
-Weight loss or gain
-Changes in sleeping patterns (sleeping very little or a lot)
-Agitation (excessive restlessness)
-Lack of energy
-Loss of interest in usual activities
-Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness
-Guilt or self-blame
-Inability to think or concentrate
-Thoughts of death or suicide
-Increased and/or rapid talking
-Rapid or racing thoughts
-Little need for sleep
-Agitation
-Inflated self-esteem
-Distractibility
-Self-destructive or dangerous behavior (such as going on spending sprees, driving recklessly, or having unsafe sex)

That is a checklist of symptoms for schizoaffective disorder. You can see why it could be confused with bipolar disorder. The symptoms overlap quite a bit.

Schizoaffective disorder is basically a mix of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It presents differently in different cases. Some look predominantly bipolar, some predominantly schizophrenic.

Basically, my Schizoaffective Disorder is Bipolar on steroids. My psychotic symptoms are more severe, and they sometimes happen without changes in my mood. That is one of the key factors that led to my change in diagnosis - my psychosis and my moods are separate things. I can have mood changes without psychosis, and psychosis without changes in mood.

The change in diagnosis initially freaked me out. Hell, I'm still a little freaked out. Schizoaffective disorder is a more challenging illness. It means I will have to fight harder. My relapses may be more frequent. Treatment will be more difficult.

I am trying to accept this diagnosis. I am trying to be cool with it. I'm not 100% there.

It does explain some things. My change in dress over the past several years. I used to wear collared shirts most of the time, now I wear mostly the same t-shirts over and over again. I used to go to the doctor and to the dentist regularly. I just went back to the dentist after seven years, and I'm going to the doctor after three years without seeing him. It explains some of the changes in my hygiene, and appearance. It explains some of the sixty pounds I've put on in the past eight years. It explains my recent symptoms, my anxiety, my agitation.

Please be patient with me as I process this diagnosis, and work on accepting it. I'll be honest - I'm scared. I worry that one day, I will lose this fight. This new diagnosis makes me even more worried.

Send me good juju, send me some good vibes, pray and think and reach out. I'm struggling, and it takes a lot for me to admit that.